Uncertainty

What was that noise?
Undecipherable noise. Cries. Loud. Louder. Loudest.
A group of people were standing around a bed. Everyone was looking at everyone, worries written all over their faces. I didn’t have to think twice. It was a common thing. We were there, our days numbered – end near, waiting to leave anytime.
Soon a blue screen was drawn around the bed. Commotion continued behind the screen. The woman cried uncomfortably now. A man entered the room almost hurridly, with a bundle of cloth under his arm and several other things in both his hands. He disappeared behind the screen.
The room was silent other than the woman’s incessant wailings. Sweet aroma of incense filled up the room. I looked at the scene without much of an emotion. I mean, emotion was useless in such a place.
A nurse folded and pushed the screen into a corner. The people stood around the bed discussing something. I tried to look, but my eyes were already heavy and watery. “Don’t look…” said a voice behind my back. My brother, perhaps.
I heard the squeeking of wheels as they pushed the bed along the corridor. The squeeking died along with the cries of the unfortunate woman.
“Another one!” I thought, as I slumbered back to uncertainty.
That was the only thing I could do. I was helpless. People went to hospital with two options. Options, not choice. To die or to live. People always expect them to live. But that was not a choice. Expectations are not choice. You may choose to die, but not to live, especially if you are grounded in the hospital. Sometimes, even doctors cannot help you live. Yet they never tell you you will die. Smiling, they always say, ‘you’re going to be fine’. All you can do is smile and believe what they say, even if you do not believe them.
A fan rotated slowly, dangling from the ceiling, creaking and winding my time in the hospital. A picture of Medicine Buddha alongside a picture of His Majesty with the late Je Khenpo hang on the wall above the door overlooking us. Why was the medicine Buddha blue?
I was feeling dizzy and light-headed. I closed my eyes. The smell of incense hovered in the room. For a moment I thought I was somewhere. Peaceful. Was I dying?
Hot. Cold. Warm. Millions of fireflies circled around me. Hundreds of needles pierced. Pain. Someone placed a damp cloth on my forehead and carassed my hair.
Whispering. Noise. Silence. Darkness.
A faint image of medicine Buddha hovered before me.
I drifted off to sleep.

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